10/19/2025
HUGE DISCLAIMER: this is based solely on my own opinions, thoughts and experiences. Just some food for thought. Feel free to agree or disagree, but if you experience issues of loneliness, I'm praying for you and hopefully this can give you some hints on where to go next.
Speaking as someone who may have at one point identified as someone affected by a "male loneliness epidemic," after further consideration, I don't think there is a male loneliness epidemic. I will readily admit two other problems, however: there is a male apathy epidemic and a wider loneliness epidemic in the United States.
About the first point - about the male experience in particular. Within the past couple years or so, my life took a major turn and I moved back to my hometown. I completely ended one way of life in another area and came back home, not knowing many people or where to turn for local activities and purpose in some senses.
I knew finding community was going to be a big hurdle to overcome since I'm not the most sociable person. Knowing this though, I immediately reached out to people I hadn't seen in years and kept my eyes open for potential friends at my new job. With these two paths especially, I got in touch with some good people and got into the groove of living in this place again. So, thank God I have connections with some really good friends here - it doesn't come automatically!
And that last point is the kicker here - friends do not come automatically. The only place I think where that may be possible (and that's a big maybe) is grade school. Based on my observations, though, I wonder how many people believe that quality relationships develop without additional effort on the part of both parties.
I don't mean to bash anyone in relation to this topic, but I do want to call everyone out, especially around my generation. How many times have many of us received a text and just not responded? I'm not talking responding at the next possible opportunity, but I'm talking leaving text messages unread for days, maybe even going so far as to let your messages pile up to the 10s or 100s. It can happen to any of us. Somewhere in the annals of history of texting ettiquette, "ghosting" people has become a more and more common way to "respond" to text messages.
Now for one of the riskiest parts of this commentary. To illustrate my point here, I host things like movie nights or one-off book clubs at my place every so often. Once a month, sometimes less than that. So not overbearing. And not around major holidays. To announce these, I will text people of many different relational backgrounds - people I have known for years, people I have spoken with for hours, people I've known for weeks. Across all these different categories of people that I know and see in person at other events, maybe half of the 20 or so people that I send an invite to simply do not respond. Not a "sorry, I'm busy," and certainly not a "shoot, when can we hang next?" Nothing.
The risky part of this tell-all being that there are way too many factors to concretely say what's going on here. The most charitable interpretation for the silence, is, of course, that people get busy. For sure! But I will put on my snooty hat here and say: you're not even going to send something back within like... a week of my original text?
Now please PLEEEAAASE do not read this the wrong way and say "oh jojo2k nice little pity party you're having there" - like I said before, I have all sorts of different friends and I am set as far as relationships go. I'm using this little microcosm here to say something that I have a suspicion is happening in different ways in many places.
That thing being: people are not wanting to put effort into relationships.
Or perhaps I'm missing the mark here and really mean something like: people do not want to put effort into COMMUNITIES. I know there are lots of people in my generation who have a close circle of friends and largely stick to people in their little groups. That definitely works for some people! And keeping lots of relationships up definitely gets harder when things like kids are thrown into the mix! But let me also point out that there are veeeerrrrryyy few people my age also volunteering at important things like catechesis for children. (Think for a second: how many people have you heard saying "I really want to prioritize my peace" which then ends up just being watching TikTok for 6 hours every night at home...?) I feel like more people are getting more apathetic about lots of things.
Let me provide another illustration here so I can prove that I just want to offer helpful observations that can improve our communities and circles of friends. I know all too well the temptation of wanting nothing to do after work lots of days. Bosses are bossing you, customers are customering you, etc., and all you want to do is plop down on the couch and veg out. When I have had weeks where I finally get the lazy nights in at home I think I desire, I feel miserable. Do you know when I've felt most fulfilled in my life so far? In the times that I worked at a summer camp. Running around, trying to wrangle kids around, keeping them un-bored and active, trying to teach them about God all the while - going right from an early start for myself at 5 or 6 am and not falling asleep til midnight - this is the most fulfilled I've ever felt in my life. When I was pouring my heart and soul into others.
This is why I make this plea in this way: putting effort into your relationships and your communities is not only good for others, but I can promise that it will be good for you. "He who loses his life will find it." I'm even writing this just hours after I got home from teaching my middle schoolers at the church via some good ol' Sunday school shenanigans. I count today a good day because I did that. And while I do hope I'm helping them in their lives, this feeling is not because this activity is super entertaining, not because my kids are 100% well behaved or 100% even paying attention - I do it because someone once said, "seek first the kingdom of God" and the rest will follow. This goes for helping ourselves, helping others, helping in our communities, helping the strangers you encounter.
So get out there and reach out to people. There are friends to be found for us males, you just have to step out, because if you feel you're lacking in friends, they're not going to appear at your front door. Get out there bro, you've got this.
... though, I will be the first to admit that you're fighting an uphill battle. The second problem that I think exists in lieu of a "male loneliness epidemic" is that 99% of places in the United States have loneliness built into their very foundations.
I'll be brief about this point, because I'd like to remain at least somewhat positive... but in comparison to times past and even how other cultures are today in pockets of the United States or in other countries, just look at some of these things. Turn 18? Move out of the house, even if you're not married, you may very well end up living by yourself for a time. Want to go visit friends? Oh, well that's probably going to cost a chunk of change if you met a friend at work who lives on the other side of town - chances are there's no bus system, and cars aren't free. Make sure you buy a car (often means a loan), get insurance, keep the car in good shape and fill up on gas! Oh, want to save money? Just stop going places and doing things! Could mean choosing between the next few meals or a night out with friends. Oh, you have a bike? Good luck riding that without getting run over or yelled at by two-ton trucks whizzing past you. Oh, when do you normally see your larger family? Just a couple holidays at the end of the year of course!
I could go on and on, but all that in comparison to the type of family living that can see three or four generations live in one household, having people walk around everywhere in a town, having something wholesome tying everyone together like a church instead of tons of little interest groups barely holding people in relationships by a thread, etc... you can see how the United States is almost anti-community by design.
Most of us living in such cities are probably not going to be able to reverse the lobbying efforts of so many forces that have made many modern US cities suck in our lifetimes, so all we can do (all we can ever do!) is work with what we've got. So please, even if you can't make it to that one person's event they invited you to, just make sure to text them back. Give your friend a random call every now and then. Get or make an extra gift for someone (even if it's digital it doesn't have to be any less meaningful)! I think I speak for all my readers by saying we're all living in very precarious situations and so need to band together now more than ever to build one another up in any way we can.
Hope you have a blessed day, month, year, lifetime, and please take care out there.
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